Past's Diary
by xSadistxFujix
Summary: A diary really was the best way to let Satoru know of my feelings for him and the reasons behind everything I said, even if I'm already gone. I just hope he understands. slight slash, Satoru/Mizuki the male one, the spirit, from chapter 56
1. Entry 01

_First off, "Mizuki" is not Ashiya Mizuki. It's the male Mizuki from chapter 56, you know, the chapter with the ghosts at the villa (which I JUST finished reading that chapter). And this just popped into my head, and I had to write it. It's my first time writing for __**Hana-Kimi **__so I hope I do well! Please read and review, nya! ^_^_

_**Warnings: slight slash, character death (of course, you should know this), short chapters… most of the time.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Hana-Kimi, I just LOVE it! (especially Nakatsu and Kagurazaka! Shirota! –fangirls-)**_

_Also, I don't know which time they lived in, so I'm taking creative liberties, hope you don't mind! But if anyone knows, I'll be happy if you corrected me! Chapters will be short!_

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_**~Entry 01~**_

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_November 13__th__, 1892_

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_I've never entertained the thought of keeping a journal, a diary, but as of late, my health has been getting worse and worse and I know that I'll need to explain to Satoru eventually, so I keep this journal in the hopes that you will understand when the time comes for you to read this; for when I eventually take my leave from the world of the living._

_And I know it'll be soon…_

_-_

A light knock sounded on the boy's door and the brunette looked up from his writing, silently slipping the book and writing utensil underneath his pillow before calling out a soft "come in".

After walking in, the blonde boy gently closed the door and walked over to his friend, smiling widely. "I've not got to see you yet today! I've been so busy with training!" the teenager sat on the small bed, averting his eyes slightly to the opposite side of the room. "I feel bad for having to neglect you lately." He looked up, pursing his lips. "Mizuki, you're pale. Are you not feeling well?"

Bringing up his hand, he let it rest on the brunette's forehead, slowly bringing it down to his cheek. "Mizuki, you feel clammy. You aren't going to be sick, are you?" the boy asked in worry.

Mizuki smiled and shook his head lightly. "Of course not, Satoru, it's only a slight cold. I'll be better tomorrow."

Satoru still looked doubtful as he bit his lip. "Are you sure, Mizuki? I don't want you getting phenomena on me. I'll be lonely if my best friend had to stay in bed all day sick."

Mizuki gave a small smirk. "Oh? You'll miss me then?"

Satoru blushed. "Of course not!" he exclaimed. "I just don't want to have to do all of the work myself while you laze about in bed." He smiled. "Just don't get sick." He stood, heading for the door as Mizuki watched him, his own cheeks tingeing a light pink.

Pausing at the door, the blonde turned around and gave a soft smile. "But, even if I don't have any help doing the work, I'd rather do it all then see you sick. So get better, soon, okay, Mizuki?"

And without waiting for an answer, Satoru walked from the room, softly closing the door shut behind him.

Mizuki wrapped his arms loosely around his legs and sighed. "I'll try, for you Satoru…"


	2. Entry 02

_This chapter is a little bit longer, and I'm sure now that they'll probably be about this length, maybe even longer. We can only hope!_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Hana-Kimi.**_

_Please read and review, nya! ^_^_

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_**~Entry 02~**_

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_November 14__th__, 1892_

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_For as long as I can remember, I've been friends with Satoru. We were both born in the manor, but I as the child of a servant. Though, I think I'm lucky to be born as a servant to such wonderful people. Master is very kind and takes care of his help._

_I'm slightly older than Satoru who was born in early March; I was born on December 31__st__, New Year's Eve, just before it turned to the first of January._

_As I've said, we've been friends for the whole of our living lives, but lately I've been feeling odd whenever I'm around him, having weird thoughts, or my body betrays me and reacts in weird ways. The feelings though, despite what I would've thought, feel pleasant, they refresh me, so I've decided just to take them in stride, even though I'm not exactly sure what they're supposed to mean._

_-_

Shivering slightly, Mizuki rested his chin on his knees, staring out over the icy lake. The wind blew past, blowing his short brown hair to the side, sending a cold chill throughout his body.

Closing his eyes, the brunette flinched, hugging his arms to his stomach, fighting off a painful groan. Every winter it was the same, he would be sick and that would ruin the fun anything. Though he was always sick, it was just even worse during the winter season.

He turned his head to his right as he heard the sound of leaves crackling beneath feet, a soft smile appearing on his face, already knowing who it was.

The blonde sat down next to him, tugging his jacket closer. "Mizuki, why didn't you tell me you were coming out here? I would've gone with you!"

Mizuki looked back to the lake. "I just came out here to think."

"To think? About what?"

He smiled at his younger friend. "About nothing important Satoru."

Satoru shook his head. "I'm sure whatever it is you're thinking about, Mizuki, is important. You can tell me!"

Mizuki laughed. "It really isn't, though! The only thing of any importance that I would think about would be you!" as he realized what he had said, the fourteen year old turned away and blushed, mentally cursing himself.

The blonde shifted next to his friend, fighting off his own blush to say with dignity, "Ah, I see then, you were thinking about _me_! Am I right, Mizuki?" he gave a small smirk.

Giving him a slight nudge with his arm, he answered, "Of _course _not. Why would I think of anything as _stupid _as a young, blond, fourteen year old boy?" he gave a playful scoff.

Satoru pouted and widened his eyes, lower lip trembling slightly as if he were a puppy scolded. "Do you not like me anymore, Mizuki? You don't want to be my friend anymore?"

Worry and horror building inside of him, Mizuki shook his head frantically, forcibly grabbing onto Satoru's arms like he was about to disapear in front of his own eyes. "I do like you, Satoru! You're my friend! Please don't doubt that!"

Blinking, Satoru gently scooted closer to him, cheeks turning a light pink. "Of course I don't doubt that, Mizuki, I never could. You are my friend, my best friend, and will forever be. You don't have to worry about that. I was just joking."

Mizuki lurched forward, wrapping his arms around the taller boy's waist, hiding his own face in the shoulder covered in a thick warm jacket, automatically starting to feel better.

"Mi—zu—ki…?" Satoru blinked, arms going to link around Mizuki's back. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Mizuki stated truthfully, giving a content sigh, relishing in the natural smell of lake and forest coming from his friend. "You're just warm. I feel so cold." His eyes closed, Satoru's heartbeat luring him to sleep.

"Hey, Mizuki? Mizuki, you can't fall asleep out here. I don't know whether I could carry you back to the manor!"

Mizuki smiled. "I won't fall asleep, like I said, I'm fine." He tiredly opened his eyes and peered at his friend, causing both of their stomachs to tie themselves into knots. "Just a little tired, but I'm sure we can get back to the house before I fall to sleep."

Slowly, they stood, still not wanting to let go of each other.

After a moment, Satoru reluctantly stated, "Mizuki, you've got to let go of me so that we can get back home."

Mizuki bit his lip, not understanding why he wanted to say "No" as he forced his arms back down to his sides.

At seeing the slightly sad expression on the brunette's face, Satoru cheerfully stated, "But I'll hold your hand."

"But," Mizuki started nervously, eyes glancing towards the manor. "What if someone were to see?"

Satoru shrugged. "No one will care, we're friends, they know how we are around each other." He extended his hand and Mizuki carefully placed his smaller hand in his friend's, their fingers lacing comfortably together.

Mizuki looked up and smiled. It felt nice.


	3. Entry 03

_I really like this chapter, or—more specifically—I like the last part of the entry. _

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Hana-Kimi. If I did, Nakatsu would figure out he had the hots for Kayashima, Umeda would get over Ryouchi and start liking Akiha, and Nanba would've given Nakao a chance.**_

_Please read and review, nya! ^_^_

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_**~Entry 03~**_

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_November 15__th__, 1982_

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_While studying in Satoru's chamber, something happened. Satoru doesn't know about it, I think I would die of embarrassment if he did know. We're friends, best friends, and it's only natural to want to be around your best friend, isn't it? But is it natural to want to hold and kiss your best friend? You male best friend?_

_I didn't really think so._

_Here's what happened:_

_-_

My voice trailed off as I realized that Satoru wasn't listening. I sighed and turned around in my chair to look over at where he was laying on his bed only to smile when I saw his eyes closed and soft snores coming from his lips.

Satoru had been rather busy lately between helping master and studying for his lessons; I guess he deserved a small break.

Closing the book, figuring that we wouldn't be doing any more studying for the day, I stood and walked over to the bed, gently tugging the blankets out from underneath him to wrap him in them so that he would be warm throughout the night. As I went to walk away, his hand latched onto my arm tightly, tugging me down next to him in his sleep.

Sighing, I sat on the bed and stared at my friend, a small, fond smile on my face while Satoru murmured something under his breath. There was a red tinge to his cheeks and I wondered how that could be as it was freezing this late at night, Satoru couldn't have been warm enough to turn red.

Bringing up a hand to his cheek, I softly brushed his skin, and—sure enough—there was a slight heat to his face, but not so much that I had to worry about my dear friend getting sick.

I let my eyes drop to the floor when Satoru tightened his grip on me, and I could clearly hear him whisper, "Mizuki," causing my face to turn even darker. I didn't know why, but I felt as if my name on his lips—at least while he was asleep and said like _that_—was something that wasn't meant for my ears.

My stomach gave a small jolt as I felt the brush of fingers on my leg, sending a small shiver throughout my leg muscles and I glanced back down at his face, eyes automatically traveling to his parted, pink lips.

Darting my tongue out, I wet my lips but it did not help as my mouth suddenly went dry. My breathing picked up as I slowly lent down, but I didn't notice I was doing so until Satoru's face was a mere two inches away from mine.

Eyes searching his face, I closed the distance, my eyes falling shut just as I pressed my lips to his, applying only a slight pressure. I jerked back when I felt Satoru move his lips against mine, bringing a hand up to cover my mouth.

I couldn't have just done what I thought I did. I couldn't have just kissed my _male _best friend.

Against my will, my lips twitched up into a smile and my stomach fluttered nervously and pleasantly. Even if I wasn't supposed to do such a thing, it felt nice, very nice.

Forcing my hand back to my side, I walked over to the desk and grabbed my stuff, rushing to the chamber door. After placing my hand on the knob, I glanced back over at Satoru, his own lips turned up into a small smile, and—for a second—I wondered if he was awake, but when he twisted a finger in his blonde hair, I knew that he wasn't.

That was a habit he only did while truly asleep. Satoru didn't know about it, but from the hours upon hours I had watched him sleeping over the years, I had picked up on many of his traits that nobody else knew.

And it made me feel special. I liked knowing things about him even he himself did not know.

I looked away and opened the door, forcing myself not to look back at my friend as I closed the door behind me, and headed off to my own room.

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_Now, do you see what I mean? I'm shocked that I had not been able to stop myself. What is happening to me? I don't like these changes, and I'm sure nobody else—especially Satoru—would like them either. _

_It's bad enough kissing someone when you aren't their betrothed, but to kiss your best friend who is also a male is even worse. I'm fourteen and times really are prejudiced. What makes this all worse is that I am merely a child of a servant. Master may be kind, but he is not that kind. Who would be? Even if I were a female Satoru and I could still be nothing more than friends._

_But, honestly! What am I saying? More than friends? I don't know why I'm even thinking of something like this, I'm perfectly happy and content to remain just friends, I'm more than happy! I'm ecstatic. _

_Ecstatic. Ecstatic to be just friends with Satoru. I don't know why that makes me sad, and I'm not exactly sure I really want to know the answer to that question. But… seriously, I thought this entry would make things clearer to me, but instead it is making everything seem all the more confusing. _

_I absolutely hate this. I hate what I'm feeling, what I'm becoming, whatever it is that I'm becoming._

_I just wish everything would go back to normal…_


End file.
